HOLIDAY MEMORY: THE MYSTERIOUS SEA CREATURE

Published on 25 September 2024 at 01:34

CAUTION: RIBALD LANGUAGE

OH yeah, I forgot to mention a thing I saw while on holiday in Lassi, Kefalonia. 

During the glass bottom boat trip – the undisputed highlight of the holiday – there was a bit where they dumped everyone on this uninhabited island, called ‘Rabbit Island’. All the different pleasure boats, and possibly even the fucking submarine, ditch their passengers on this beach - just so everyone can have a dick about snorkelling; paddling a kayak around; slapping mud on yourself. All that.

Right. There’s your set up.

Now, while I was shitting about trying to get ahold of one of the kayaks, we noticed a motor boat pretty much beached, backed into the surf, just down a ways from us. The boat was crewed by what appeared to be a retired couple - probably English, probably in their 70’s. The wife was at the controls, looking over her shoulder like a getaway driver, yelling at her husband to hurry up and get a move on.

The husband was struggling in the surf with a bulky, black looking, quadruped creature that didn’t look like it wanted to cooperate. He was fighting to load it onto the back of the vessel whilst battling the waves that kept crashing in him. To me, in that instant, the beast looked like an incredibly large, incredibly waterlogged German Shepherd.

“Look at that old boy,” I said to my eldest. “Just taking the German Shepherd on a wee boat ride.”

Only, and I can’t understate this, the frigging thing was huge. Easily the size of a big, big man on all fours, which it increasingly seemed to resemble.

“…Or… What is that? A dude? Is he abducting some bloke?”

My son and I then enjoyed a right old squint at the “animal” the man had loaded halfway onto the “stern” - or aft - of his boat.

And, lo, it turns out the animal was this:

It was a MASSIVE pig.

A fucking colossal Wessex Saddleback Pig, if I’m any judge. Which I’m not.

Anyway, the old boy eventually shoved the fat fucking monster onto the back of their motorboat. With a shake of the head, and perhaps a tut, the wife fired up the engine and they all beetled off at an extremely low rate of knots - the husband collapsed in the back, completely paggered, with his 500lb prize panting away beside him.

They looked pretty much certain to sink.

CODA

WAS the pig an elaborate pet? HAD the old man simply half drowned and stolen an island boar?

…No tale now tells.

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