POOL BOAST

(First published at some point in 2023)

WENT swimming with the youngest earlier on there, teaching him how to swim 25 metres underwater and that. Decided to do a few olympic quality dives – just to see if I still had it me – and it turns out that I do. You should never doubt yourself.

A couple of young lads, about 15, were like: “Hey mister! Can you teach us how to dive like that?” I kept my distance, so as not to be accused of grooming, but I was still able to dish out a few pointers. Set ‘em on the right path. Afterwards, one of the lifeguards came up and I thought I was going to get told off or something. Far from it.

“Here mate,” he said. “That was class that, how you taught them young lads. Didn’t look like a peedo or nowt.” 

I was like, “Thanks. Appreciate it.” Still treading water, like it was nothing.

He went on: “Here, uh, me and the other lads and lasses was wondering if you fancied becoming like an honorary lifeguard and like coach us and that?”

“HONORARY?” I sneered. “Nothing honorary about it. I did me Bronze Medallion in 1995! I’ve been guarding lives since before you were born!”

Then I done a flip in the pool like a dolphin, and swam off in a mighty butterfly – abandoning my ten year old son in the process.

Thanks for reading to the end. Hope you’re doing well. TC