(Published at some point in 2023)
The other night I had a sort of bad dream. For maximum impact I will now divulge details of that dream to you in FIRST PERSON:
We begin…
In a radical departure from real life, rather than a graveyard, my house now backs onto a kind of wildfowl park. I say wildfowl park… It’s more like just a normal park with a big old pond, festooned with fucking pelicans, herons, ducks, seagulls and - frankly- all manner of water birds. The whole thing is ringed by a nice path with nice park benches. Kids are playing, families are dicking about, and lots and lots of dogs are running around without leads.
Anyway, there I am, stood at the French windows we don’t have, fancy coffee in hand, taking in the scene. As I take a slurp, I see two woolly looking highland terriers – one white; one brown – farting about near the water’s edge. The chocolate coloured terrier snuffles about at some reeds, straying too close a cluster of about three or four massive fucking pelicans.
Without ANY preamble, the nearest pelican simply turns and snaps its beak at the little dog, catching it by the tail.
It hoists the terrier into its mouth with the dog yelping and thrashing away, trying to get out. Then, horribly, with the whole park screaming blue bloody murder… UNK! UNK! Down it goes. Swallowed whole.
Naturally, I’ve got the French windows slid open in a jiff. I dash down the hill in my elaborate dressing gown that I don’t own blowing in the breeze, and I fucking BARREL into the pelicans. I grab the guilty one, and start wrestling with it, knee deep in filthy pond water. The horrible thing is: I can hear the muffled, high pitched yelping of the terrier coming from inside the fucking thing. I can see it bulging out of the sides and everything, desperately clawing away. As I, essentially, try and Heimlich the dog out of it, this frigging pelican’s snapping away at me, flapping its wings like mad.
Then… boom!
Every single living thing in the park is gone. Dog filled pelican included. And I’m just stood, hunkered over in this pond. I was very confused. At that exact moment I woke up. And let me tell you this: It was exactly one minute before my alarm was set to go off. Ruined my whole day.
Thanks for reading.
Add comment
Comments