THE TRUE STORY OF EASTER

Published on 26 September 2024 at 21:40

(This was of course originally written around Easter a few years ago. I wouldn't call it a blog... more of a tale or fable. Have a read and see what you think.)

 

HARD to believe that exactly 1,967 years ago today, a team of lady Myrrhbearers arrived at the tomb of Jesus, ready to anoint his body with essential oils.

 

Upon their arrival, however, the women discovered that the rock at the entrance had been all smashed up and wee’d upon. Afraid, the bravest of the women did explore the tomb.

 

Aghast, she discovered that “Fuck da Feds” had been daubed on the walls in excretion, alongside a big ejaculating cock and balls. Recoiling in amazement, the Myrrhbearers heard behind them a mighty, “HERE!” Followed by a further call of “HERE YEEZ!”

 

And LO, there shirtless upon a stolen mountain bike, was the Lord Jesus Christ, arisen.

 

“Am not fuckin’ deid! AM a?”

 

When the women failed to reply, Jesus asked again:

 

“Am a?? Eh? EH?”

 

The Myrrhbearers shook their heads, and agreed that He wasn’t.

 

“A just fuckin’ pretended to be deid so they’d let us doon. An a neva even FELT that fuckin’ crucifixion. A was pure laughin’ when the nails were gannin’ in. A was like ‘Haaaaaaa!’”

 

“Where will you go now, Lord Je -“ began the Myrrhbearers.

 

“Here. Diven’t fuckin’ look at is. A’ve got got a fuckin’ knife, me.”

 

And Jesus did grab at the waistband of his tracksuit bottoms, in a manner that suggested he might well have a knife hidden there. And the Myrrhbearers were stricken into silence, for they were afraid.

 

With this, Jesus did a mirthless laugh,

 

“Haaaaaaa haaa!”

 

And lo, Jesus did ride away - without holding onto the handles - singing an array of foul mouthed anti police songs.

 

...Of his eventual fate, no tale now tells.

 

(Author's note: If you have any questions about this, fire away.)

 

 

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